A Consumer’s Report

By Peter Porter

The name of the product I tested is Life, I have completed the form you sent me and understand that my answers are confidential.

I had it as a gift,

I didn't feel much while using it,

in fact I think I'd have liked to be more excited.

It seemed gentle on the hands

but left an embarrassing deposit behind.

It was not economical

and I have used much more than I thought

(I suppose I have about half left

but it's difficult to tell) –

although the instructions are fairly large

there are so many of them

I don't know which to follow, especially

as they seem to contradict each other.

I'm not sure such a thing

should be put in the way of children –

it's difficult to think of a purpose

for it. One of my friends says

it's just to keep its maker in a job.

Also the price is much too high.

Things are piling up so fast,

after all, the world got by

for a thousand million years

without this, do we need it now?

(Incidentally, please ask your man

to stop calling me ‘the respondent’,

I don't like the sound of it.)

There seems to be a lot of different labels,

sizes and colours should be uniform,

the shape is awkward, it's waterproof

but not heat resistant, it doesn't keep

yet it's very difficult to get rid of:

Whenever they make it cheaper they seem

to put less in – if you say you don't

want it, then it's delivered anyway.

I'd agree it's a popular product,

it's even got into the language; people

even say they're on the side of it.

Personally I think it's overdone,

a small thing people are ready

to behave badly about. I think

we should take it for granted. If its

experts are called philosophers or market

researchers or historians, we shouldn't

care. We are the consumers and the last

law makers. So finally, I'd buy it.

But the question of a ‘best buy’

I'd like to leave until I get

the competitive product you said you'd send.

http://ije.oxfordjournals.org/content/33/2/261.full